How To Kick Mom Guilt To The Curb
I’m one of those lucky women who still have friends from college. You know, the ones who watched you bawl your eyes out over that boy you dated your freshmen year you all clearly knew was a mistake but they were kind enough not to say, “I told you so,” when you used all of their tissues.
We still talk several times a month though we’re in different parts of the country but instead of discussing majors and weddings, with seven kids between us we’re pretty deep in the trenches of laundry, common core curriculum and the juggle of working Motherhood.
Recently, I reached out ( as I often do) in a flurry of panic for some words of wisdom, prayer, advice, solidarity, all of the above. I felt like I was failing. Failing at motherhood. Failing at my job. There was no reconciling the two with any modicum of balance (in my mind) and I felt completely and utterly useless.
To which my friend responded with, “Fuck that”.
(May I suggest that you always have a friend who curses? It’s necessary and freeing in the best of ways).
She proceeded to tell me that all of that was just my Mom-guilt/shame talking. She implored me to recognize what mom guilt is, how it undermines every decision you make and how, you can begin to combat it with one, simple step.
I am a critic at heart. This was not a simple problem, so the likelihood of it having a simple solution seemed improbable, at best. But, I always trust a woman who can throw around the F word and bake a mean cheesecake so, I thought it was worth unpacking.
What is Mom Guilt?
Apparently, according to the Queen Brene Brown, there is a significant difference between guilt and shame. I can’t hold a candle to her genius so I’m just going to paraphrase it in a way that makes it easier for me to remember. One has guilt for something one DOES. One has shame for something one IS. I can have guilt over the fact that I got out of work late and so I had to call a neighbor to pick up my kid from school. That guilt turns to shame if that event made me feel like an inadequate mother. The lines are often blurred between the two, but the latter is more difficult to tackle.
How Does Mom Guilt/Shame Affect Me and My Parenting?
Nothing good ever comes from feeling guilty or shamed. Which is why it’s surprising it’s still a tactic so commonly used, on others and ourselves. We know from pedagogical experts that the only environment students flourish and grow in is a loving and supportive one. And yet. We are our biggest critics when it comes to balancing the workforce and motherhood. When we allow guilt and shame to enter into our narrative, it cripples our ability to excel in ANY area. We become paralyzed in our ability to make decisions, discernments, redirections and revisions. We’re powerless. We need to learn how to quiet the voices of guilt and shame so we can move forward.
How Do You Quiet The Voice of Guilt?
According to my friend Lisa, you have to name it.
You heard me.
Like, actually give it a name. Hers is Phil.
Sun Tzu in, “The Art of War,” says you have to know your enemy. What is the first question you ask when you’re trying to get to know someone?
Their name.
It makes complete and perfect sense to me that in order to combat these enemy waves of Mom guilt and shame, I needed to name it.
These days, you’ll still find me on my lunch break in a frantic text thread with my girlfriends from college. We put our stressors down in print and brainstorm ways to solve all of our problems. Together, we’ve faced all sorts of things from poverty to unemployment to illness to homeschooling. We’re honest and loyal and forgiving- but when I start down my Mom guilt rabbit hole I can hear them both in unison shout, “Bye, Regina” and I feel like we’ve won.
- If you’re looking for more ideas on how to survive the Mom guilt, check out: www.thesheinterviews.com
